Thursday 7 May 2009

Your Lucy NEEDS YOU!!

I'm not sure if my heart is broken or if my entire self feels a bit cracked. Matters of the heart are always difficult to understand and harder still to experience, I think. As I sit here, typing this, I'm trying so hard to not cry in front of my Mum but I know she knows I feel unhappy, I know I don't even need to say anything, I know that she is able to tell so easily. Our first few days together, all 4 of us, have been strange. A few tears, some pain (Ma and her wounds, Pa with his bad hip and me with my pathetic excuse for a period), lack of appetite(s) and tiredness.

I have an awkward and frustrating situation and I don't know what to do about it. I can't get on with things. I can't keep my chin up and hope it'll all turn out OK. I can't just be strong and take control. It's not as simple as that. And it's gradually getting to me, more and more, every day. This "period" hasn't decided to start properly. Or maybe it has and it's taking a while to get going. Or maybe this is all it will be this time. Whatever it is, it hurts. Kidneys, womb, ovaries, ligaments, legs, back, head... Why do hormones have to be so brutal, so effective in cutting you down from feeling not so bad to feeling like whatever effort you put in to try to improve something is in vain?

I feel like my mind is not my own, like I can not control what I'm thinking or feeling or what I want or what I believe... I don't know whether to say "Fuck it, I don't need this crap" or to think again about it and believe things will change and all that is needed is time. And that "it" is worth waiting for. Is it? Maybe it is. But I don't know if it is. And it really. really. hurts.

Other news: Recent events (and possible future ones, too) have prompted me to take action. I am on a mission to raise money for Breast Cancer Care, Macmillan and Cancer Research UK by getting stuff - CDs, DVDs, football-related things, signed goods, free things, stuff from people who are "people", folk who know folk, musicians, actors, people off the telly, anyone and anything - that will raise money for those 3 immensely worthwhile and decent charities.

If you can help me get GOOD. FREE. STUFF. to sell on eBay - 100% donation, nothing kept back for me - to get desperately needed money for those causes, PLEASE HELP ME. If you want more info, you can email me at likewise, if you've any "contacts" who can help me or, indeed, if YOU can help me. I need ALL the help I can get, I'm willing to help out with postage & packing and I'll pimp your name as much as I can if you help me with excellent stuff! HELP!!

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