Sunday 17 May 2009


Or, should that be, "I SCREAM!!"? That's what I want to do. I think I want to. No, realistically, I want to not be dragged down by this new wave of depression. If only I had an invisibility cloak. Hiding away, simply disappearing for a while has not felt this tempting for years. But including my head: around just my body would look weird.

It's not been a prolonged fight against these low, helpless, useless feelings. It's been a fleeting sense of darkness and pity for myself; I let a fair few tears fall out of my eyes this morning, all the while asking myself what was wrong with me. Whether I want it to or not, my mind always returns to the many humiliations of my primary school years when I was told to stop snivelling, walked to the sick room and given a 1976 issue of a Jackie annual to read. Again. "What's wrong?" was always the question and my answer was always the same: "I don't know". It's the same now. Sort of. I don't know, necessarily what is "wrong", I just don't feel particularly happy. About anything. Or, very few things are making me feel less sorrowful. There are one or two things (I tried to think of a better word but alas, I could not) to make me smile. They're not enough to lift me out of this self-pitying... er, pit, but as they say, every little helps.

As does every bit of Twitter RTing for my new Twitter account @SOD_OFF_cancer which I created solely for charity purposes. I still STILL want signed goods and or/rare CDs, all the stuff that can and/or will pull in the moolah for my mission. My facebook group is still here and my JustGiving page is still here, should you be inclined to be a wonderful person and give some MOOLAH FOR MY MISSION.

Ma has her appointment tomorrow - Monday - to find out the results of the biopsy of the lymph nodes that were removed when she had her mastectomy. I'm not sure we're thinking anything, in particular, but certainly not positivity. Before last time, when we were told the results of the "safety margin" tissue analysis taken during the lumpectomy, we received so many people's good wishes and numerous messages of "You'll be fine" and "Chin up". (Although welcome for their kindness, they are not helpful. I'm sorry, but they're not. I know some people just don't know what to say. Of course, I can only speak for me, but I don't feel I can be positive about this appointment when we. don't. know. what. will. happen. There is no useful aspect in thinking all will be well when it is entirely possible it will not be.)

I'm still near useless at home, owing to this thoroughly horrid virus fiend I have. I haven't felt this unwell because of germs for longer than I remember. A cold is one thing, albeit very unpleasant, admittedly. But this? This is... extremely disagreeable. I haven't eaten a meal or even "properly" since Tuesday, which was 5 days ago. Pathetically small bowls of notShreddies and a notWeetabix here and there have been more than enough to make me very nauseous indeed. I'm not even eager to get my morning dose of wonderfully made tea (fat milk, no sugar, in case you wondered). This may or may not add to the weakness I feel all over. I doubt the lack of food is helping either the dizziness or the weakness but I just don't have an appetite and feel so sick after just a few sips of tea. I haven't got dressed since Thursday. But the headache which stayed from Wednesday morning and would not stop hurting so incredibly intensely despite the maximum intake of 30/500 Co-codamol, finally started to lift yesterday.

But also, yesterday, my heart felt as though it would jump out of my chest, it was beating so fast and so loud. And then I nearly passed out. We have a sideboard in the hall, which I now use as a crutch when I walk by it so that the dizziness doesn't get its own way and have me fall flat on my face on the floor. Again. Likewise the worktops in the kitchen. Speaking of which, it's been lacking in decent care. As has the washing, ironing, vacuuming, dusting, et al... I was just starting to feel decent after the first post-Mirena-removal period and then I go and get this.


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