Wednesday 3 October 2012

Reviewing my options.

It's a little over two whole years since my first laparoscopy, and it'd been hoped that the pains I had before it would not reoccur as soon as they have. "Oh, bugger", you might say. "FUCKING HELLFIRE!" is what I said. Hardly different.

I've been given Tramadol by my GP for the bad, terrible, awful pain - which says "hello" rather abruptly and burningly - for two or three days. So that's nice. How will I feel when I take them? Much different to how I feel right now, two hours after taking yet another 60mg dose of dihydrocodeine? Will I feel very sleepy and groggy, and will I be so incoherent and bleurgh, that even My Amazing Mum won't be able to understand my side of our Endo Pain Code? I know some people who have taken it after an accident or surgery or something very painful have been utterly wiped out by it, but I think they've not had any strong (by my standards, anyway) painkillers, so maybe they're just lightweights. FNAR.

I've never felt so grim. Honestly. I mean, I'm not so depressed, thanks mainly to the Duloxetine and other stuff, but the situation is so... dire. The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is no longer tea, or breakfast, or why I can't move my feet (cat on bed); it's about what dose of painkillers will I have to take. And isn't that just the way not to live? Of course, I know, I KNOW other people have a far worse time than I, but - ahh, a "but" - this is all I know. And it's a bit shit. I've not written on here because I've felt so rubbish. So fatigued. So heavy. So... *shrugs*

I've written reviews for things and stuff on Ciao, a site where people can post reviews (SHOCKER) about almost anything, really. Shortish reviews, small windows of concentration, interesting topics. It's been about enough for me to do. Just the right amount.

I've not been exercising as I should, owing to the pains and the grogginess from the tablets, which is not helpful at all because then I feel stiffer and more pained and more achy, and it goes round and round. AND I'M FED UP. Poor me, etc.. But with all my crapness going on, Mum's got to have two operations very soon, and she's STILL helping me off the floor, getting my tablets, making me tea, doing my hot water bottles. How does she do it? How do I not do it? Why can I not do what she does and help more? Saying that, I did have a marvellous few days where I halved the ironing mountain! Mostly my clothes... I had forgotten I had many of them.

Depo-Provera - a 12-weekly contraceptive injection - has been struck off my list of treatments to try to relieve me of my incessant pains, likewise the 8-weekly contraceptive injection, Noristerat. I hadn't realised the latter's magic ingredient is a progestegin, a synthetic progesterone, and that's a bastard what gave me hell when I was on the pill. And the mini-pill. Even though it was a hormone treatment, the Decapeptyl SR (triptorelin) lessened the oestrogen, rather than add to the progesterone.
True, the Duloxetine has worked very well for my emotional and mental state, but what if it's not enough? How would I cope with eight weeks of depression? I wouldn't be able to stop feeling that dark, thunderous gloom from ruining my horizon, in all and any direction. Can I do that? Can I? Of course my pains are bad, of course they are. But how... how do I... how can I do that? Again? I just can't.

*Sighs an enormous sigh*

Oh, reader. Endometriosis is the only impossible thing in my life. I just do not know what to do. I miss my friends. I miss my lovely people. Some think I let them down on purpose, think I ignore them, forget with malice or disregard. None of it could be more false. I miss going OUT to see people, I miss walking to the shops, I miss sitting in the garden and digging out those weeds, taking photos of pollen. So much gets left behind when pain relief is all that becomes important.

I'm not sure there's even a point to this blog post. I suppose I felt I should write a bit, update a bit, show you I'm still here. So, here I am. And here I go. Time for tea and lunch. And tea. And something Doctor.

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