I am Gluteus Maximus!

...does that translate as "I am arse!"? It's probably true. Probably...


On this, the third "heavy" day of my period but the fourth actual day (wearing JEANS!), I had an appointment to see my GP to be injected with goserelin, better known as Zoladex. This is the substance which will stop the ovaries functioning. And that means menopause. If you've read the previous post, you'll be aware of the operation and what happened after it.

Neither my GP nor I was certain about the dose and form of administration. At first, it was assumed it would be an implant, requiring a local anaesthetic. Fine. I won't feel the wide-bore needle, so that should be fine! Oh. What's that? It's an intra-muscular form? As in... must be injected into a muscle? Where's that, you say? In my ARSE? Oh. It's the same size of needle as used by phlebotomists, so it'll be fine. Won't it? Yes.

And it was. But now? In all that is holy in the name of BISCUITS, I wasn't told it'd hurt this much. I can barely walk. I'm being a wussy little girl; when I think about the needle for too long, I start feeling woozy, and need to sit down. Or lie down. Was I being too optimistic, hoping I'd be mobile, still? Is it unreasonable to feel yet more enraged that my body is stopping my decisions from being turned into actions? They're not vastly important things. I wanted to make a bag, a little project to keep me busy, give me "something to think about". It'll probably end up resembling a dinosaur with wings but that's not the point. I bought the fabric. I will do it. Just... not yet.



Zoladex, Premique, Citalopram, co-dydramol, keral. Body, brain, body. Anyone want to swap? I'll fight you? (I won't. I'm a wuss, remember.)


And we don't have a stair lift. How AM I going to get up those stairs? The time now is 22:38. If I start climbing now, I could make it upstairs by midnight.

Is this the endo my pain?

Probably not, no.

I was lying in my hospital bed on Monday 15th March this year, after the laparoscopy, when the consultant I had seen several times since 2008 came to see me. He had been "in clinic", over the other side of the hospital. He hadn't been able to perform the surgery; he was meant to on the previous Thursday but various occurrences meant my operation had to be postponed.

The decision was made, by me, to have a laparoscopy to find out, once and for all, "if" there was anything "wrong" relating to my womb, ovaries and/or ladybits. Some of you may be aware that, from the age of 18, I have been continually told there was nothing wrong and my irregular, heavy, prolonged and insanely agonising periods were something I would "grow out of" or that would "settle down" in time. The pain before and after periods and the bleeding between them was also not something I ought to concern myself about.

Not only have I been told that my pain was "psychological", I was also told that I was "too young for anything to be wrong with (my) ovaries, darling". And, that the only thing which would cause the sharp, tight, stabbingly-sharp pains in my lower right abdomen was "endometriosis of the ovaries, which you don't have", the non-surgery-performing-but-bed-visiting consultant said.


Still in immense pain after the laparoscopy with my awesome Ma beside me, I was told, by the NSPBBV consultant, that during the operation, the Mega-neat surgeon discovered that there "was endometriosis on both ovaries". We found out later in the patient copy letter from the Mega-neat consultant who performed the surgery, that it was also present on the posterior uterine wall and the left pelvic side wall. In the letter, it states that the larger right side (ovary) had to be drained. This accounts for, not just the pains with periods and between them (every day, in fact) but also the amount of pain after waking from surgery; he used diathermy to remove the endometriosis he found. That essentially means my innermost ladyparts were burned, hence the incredible agony I felt, not to mention the utterly horrendous "wind" pains in my right shoulder and chest. I mentioned it. Oh.

Less than a second after the NSPBBV consultant said those ground-breaking words, I sobbed. My right hand somehow hurled itself to my eyes, which then started leaking, as well as my nose. Messy. I wasn't crying because I'd finally been told what was wrong with me, or because I knew what it meant from now, onwards. Rather, I cried because I was so disappointed, I had been so terribly let down by people whom I trusted to help me, but instead, they neglected to do their job. They neglected me, allowed me to suffer so much unspeakable agony for so many years. I knew what was wrong with me, I knew, completely, that endometriosis was the cause of my pain. I'd tried to tell "them" so many times what my pain was like, but I was stopped mid-sentence, ignored, patronised and insulted.

What happens now? What do I do? Zoladex injections, every 28 days and Premique. What are they? Well, click the words and find out! Or, I can tell you, not very coherently. It is late as I type this and really need to sleep, but this is the third draft of this post and I just want to get it done. So, Zoladex will halt to ovaries for a few months, inducing a menopause. The break from periods occurring should (hopefully) give me a rest from feeling so tired. All the time. From aching, head to toe, and feeling like my womb is trying to cut its way out of my abdomen. And the Premique is a form of HRT, to try to counteract the menopausal symptoms.


There are no guarantees with this (unfairly-named, to my mind) "disease". I prefer "condition". It is not curable, but can be managed. However, "can" does not mean "will". Some women are lucky, and have no pain, while others have immense pain which can not be controlled. And even hysterectomies and double oophorectomies are not certain to stop the pain. Some women have hormone treatment for some months and are free from pain. But the condition will still be there, it just may not "happen" again.

Since my surgery (with MEGA-neat stitches and wounds, and now scars. Did I mention? Super stuff! Tiny entry sites. Amazing...), I have had a period - on the Wednesday, just 2 days after the operation. It was bloody painful, if you excuse the pun. Less painful than I expected but still enough to wake me at 5am and make me nearly fall down the stairs to get a Keral in my face. Took much longer to work than the 20 minutes the NSPBBV consultant told me but hey, never mind, EH? It actually took around 40 minutes to work.


And now, I await another period. I haven't had a day or, indeed, hour without pain. Apart from sleep. If there was pain, I haven't noticed it, so bedrugged am I with anti-depressants and codeine. (I shan't go into details - although it may be too late, now - but the amount of codeine I had made for a toilet situation vaguely similar to that experienced by Lisa Lynch in her ASTOUNDING blog, AlrightTit. I am also so stupendously proud to call Lisa an actual real life friend of mine, all thanks to the wonder that is Marsha Shandur, via the world of Twitter. (I went to Lisa's Super Sweet 30th birthday party in London in September last year with the equally AMAZING Amanda, but didn't get to meet Marsha. Good news for her...)

For 10 days I have had the familiar pre-period pains and heavy, dragging, relentlessness of my womb and parts. It would seem, then, that the surgery to remove the endometriosis was partially successful; bits were taken away/burned, but the pain of it all is still happening. Bugger. Today is day 30 of my "cycle" and I don't have a clue when it will start. It may be another 2 days, or 2 weeks. I'm not just impatient with my body (even though I know I can do nothing, actively, to stop it hurting); the sooner the period starts, the sooner the Zoladex injections can be started. Must be administered, subcutaneously (in the stomach), within 5 days of a period starting. As the NPSBBV man said, "(my) body needs a rest". NOW.


So, altogether now... HURRY FUCKING UP!!